| today was one of the hardest days of my life, but at the same time, i can already see the growth that's coming out of it.
it actually all started yesterday, when i was having some contractions and got pretty freaked out. obviously, everything is okay, but it was really hard on me. i tried to get ahold of tristan to tell him what was going on and for moral support, but i couldn't do so, and the miscommunication turned really ugly by the end of the night.
this morning, when i called him to sort everything out, a big fight started, and it seemed like all of the progress and the happiness we'd had in the last week or so was just destroyed. i was so disappointed, because i thought we'd finally gotten somewhere. however, we did finally settle things. it felt so good - i felt like we had come to a really good agreement on where we should go from here, our relationship, etc. i felt so much better, and i thought he did, too. we hung up on great terms, with him promising to call back later after he'd run a few errands and things.
fool me twice, shame on me, huh?
about a half hour or so later, i got a call from tristan's lawyer. yeah. you read that right. his lawyer.
at first i was so hurt and so angry that i could hardly think straight, but i called him and asked him what was going on. he swore up and down that all he'd done was call to find out what his legal rights as a father are, and it was never meant to hurt me.
okay, never meant to hurt me?! i spend all this time trying to come to and understanding about everything that's happened, and he goes behind my back and hires a lawyer?
i tried to talk to him about how it hurt me and how i felt he'd betrayed my trust, but he didn't want to hear it (surprise, surprise). i haven't talked to him since, and i guess...i guess i won't, anymore, if i can help it.
the thing is, everything he's done so far has been passive. he's failed to be supportive, he's failed to care when he should have, he's not told me a lot of things, he's left me to handle everything on my own. but this is the first time he's actually taken action in some way. it was the first time i could say, look, he did this, and it was so wrong and he didn't care what it would do to our friendship and our relationship as parents. he took all the heartache i've endured trying to find a way to salvage this, and just threw it in my face. he finally did something that proves that the only person he feels is important in this is himself. he doesn't want a good relationship with me, and therefore what's best for our son. he wants whatever he can get out of me, no matter who it hurts.
and for that, i am so glad. i know that sounds strange, but for once, i feel free of him. yes, it absolutely kills me. and yes, i mourn for the loss of our friendship, of the relationship we had, of the marriage we could have had, and of the fatherhood that he'll never really experience with my son. but this wound is something i can't ignore. it's so much bigger, so much more meaningful and powerful than anything he's done before. i don't feel like i want him in mine or my son's life at all anymore, and that's very freeing.
granted, i know that there is only so much i can do to keep him away. and i would never outright deny him the right to his son. but, at the same time, taking the legal course instead of working things out between us was his idea, but legally, i am at the advantage. if he had worked this out with me like an adult (which is what i thought was going to happen just this morning), then things could have been different. but i know that his lawyer is going to try to take everything he can from me, and i have no choice but to be ready to fight back. if he's going to be starting a legal battle, i can't look at him as my best friend and the man i love anymore. he's targeting me, and i can't just lay down and take it anymore.
what gets me is how wrong this is, and it bothers me that tristan can't see it. i'm sure didn't do this without running it by his parents and probably his pastor first, and i can't believe they would counsel him that it was a good idea. i mean, common sense tells one that if there is a dispute and the other person wants to work it out, involving other people is no only unecessary, but hurtful and counterproductive. but beyond that, it's laid out clearly in scripture:
1 Corinthians 6
"1If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? 2Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! 5I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6But instead, one brother goes to law against anotherand this in front of unbelievers!
7The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.
not only is he sinning against me and his son by doing this, by refusing to seek spiritual counsel (which i have suggested constantly) instead of legal counsel, but what example is he setting for unbelievers around him, and even for believers that are impressionable about this? "well, tristan got ready his girlfriend to court, so it must be okay to solve things that way instead of dealing with the person you're having a problem with." i know that's probably not quite it, but you get the idea. he's disrespecting me as the mother of his son, and he's showing his lack of faith in the church and in god to resolve this. there was a fair, biblical, and less hurtful way to do this, and he took the easy way out. i guess that's another reason why i feel like it's time for me to move on. i man that treats other believers this way, especially someone he said he loved deeply, deserves the judgment he gets.
someone pointed this out to me a while back, and it hit me really hard:
1 Timothy 5:8
8If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
it's so much what i've been trying to tell tristan these last few months, and it just shook me to see it in print. the word of god says, plain as day, that what he is doing is wrong. he's saying that he doesn't believe god is more powerful than satan, that he can't fix what's been wrong and turn it to good. and by not being here, by not being available emotionally, physically, financially, and ensuring that his son is provided for, he is failing us.
he told me several times that his parents always taught him that if he had sex, he'd better make sure it was with someone he loved because he would be expected to marry her if she got pregnant. but now i see that the faith of his family is like the house build on sand - when things got tough, they proved that they never meant what they said in the first place. it would be different if i wouldn't work with him, but that's obviously not the case. there is no excuse for tristan to walk out or for them encouraging his behavior. god didn't say that you only have to provide for your family if they're perfect and never do anything wrong, or that you're off the hook if it stops being fun.
sending a check once a month (if it comes to that) and visiting is not the same as providing for your family. visting does not teach a child anything other than they aren't safe (trust me on that one). the roof over our heads will be provided by my parents until it is provided by me. i could go on and on about all the ways that he's abdicating his fatherhood. there won't be a male spiritual leader in the household. there will be no one to exemplify manhood in our home. my heart breaks for the things that my son will never see his father do. god never intended for a family to be that way! there is a godly way for this to work out, and tristan has sided with satan. with the full support of his pastor and parents. sad.
i'm just going to be so thankful when this part of it is all over. i want the abundant life god has promised me, all of it, and if tristan insists on holding me back from that, then i have to move on. if he sees his error and fixes it, of course i'll work with him, but he's seven months to do so and he hasn't, so i'm not holding out much hope.
but at the end of the day, i have to admit that i just plain miss by best friend.
i'd love to hear from some of you, your thoughts and prayers, etc. oh, and by the way, i'm about 34 weeks now, six to go, and still feeling great. and no, i don't have a name picked out yet.
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